Stop Doing That You Idiot or What You'll Need to Survive a Horror Movie

If you read my previous post about my love of Halloween and horror movies you'll know that I am an expert at this. I know for a face (per-Facebook quizzes) that I would survive not only a horror movie, but a zombie apocalypse. First off don't be this dude. 

When you're this dude you get your eyes torn out of your head and eaten by a demon. 

This is my first tip of survival don't be curious, don't go investigate noises, don't follow weird people into dark alleys or anything else of that nature. Here is my list of things to do in a horror movie: 

1. Don't do anything stupid
2. If you think, even a tiny bit, that what you're about to do might be stupid - see number one

Now lets talk about zombies. The first two rules still apply but now we're faced with other things such as a shortage of food, crazy people, and zombies. 

So, lets assume that you're not one of those doomsday preppers that preserve their children's umbilical chord in wood and herbs (look him up Michael James Patrick Douglas), and you don't have 20 years worth of food stores. I'm going to talk about what I (the horror movie expert - mwhahahaha) would want to survive in my horror movie crate. Why a crate? Because bug-out-bag is so last year.

First there is food and water. This is going to be the hardest thing. I'd want some jerky and SPAM. I like SPAM (it's because I'm Korean we love SPAM). Yes, I know I'm on a Paleo diet and I'm eating clean but we're talking about zombies here. All bets are off!

Do you see how many types they have? I mean...c'mon now PERFECT for the apocalypse. 

For water I'll put some tabs in my crate but seriously I'm going to set up something to collect rain water because who knows how well these tabs work. Unless you have access to some military grade stuff I say get tabs. 

Second thing is a weapon. You would think a gun would be good but they make a lot of noise. A gun with a silencer would be great but what happens when you run out of bullets? What you need is a sword or an axe. Now, while I love Darryl Dixon on The Walking Dead where the hell do you get all those arrows? Seriously, unless you know how to tool your own ammo for a crossbow you'll have the same problem as bullets. 

This my friends would be perfect.

All you would have to do in a pinch is maybe tie the knife to a stick and TADA you have a zombie skewer stick! 

You also need clothes. This stuff can be stolen along the way but I'd like to throw maybe an outfit in my crate. One big thing you will need is shoes. Now I have a wide food so it will probably be hard to scavenge shoes so I'd throw a pair of these in my crate.

I actually own a pair of these. I used them to hike in Arizona (I was fairly active before the cancer) they are water proof, support your ankle, and are very durable. Perfect for those long walks trying to get away from zombies! 

A survival book, a few actually. Some on plants, some on how to build a water processing plant, some on how to cure the zombie plague, whatever they are they could mean the difference between eating the right mushroom or the wrong mushroom. 

I consider the items above essential. Do or die things.Now, here is a list of things that would be awesome to have but the likely hood of having them is slim to none. 

1. Some sort of Solar Powered charging station. This would be for batteries (for flashlights, radios etc) cell phones (why would cell function go down right away?), or anything that could collect and store the power. Even to jump a car which brings me to my next thing. 
2. A car. Electric would be good.
3. A home off the grid running off of solar power. Need I say why this would be amazing? 
4. A fortress on a hill in a mountainous region of the world, that has it's own irrigation system... with a garden (Hey I said they were slim to no chance of getting these things).

And finally you need a good team of people around you. It would get kinda boring taking to your axe after a few months. Plus, what's the point of surviving if you don't have others around? Find friends keep them close watch out for cannibals! 

Thank you to Man Crates, a new company that ships awesome gifts for men in custom wooden crates which inspired this post!