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Friday, March 28, 2014

Bone Marrow Biopsies and You: A Practical Guide

Don't have one.

If you have a choice of having a bone marrow biopsy WITHOUT being knocked out, or having...just about anything else actually, choose the latter EVERY SINGLE TIME. No, seriously.

So, I'm in the hospital in June before my cancer diagnosis, and they're trying to figure out what's wrong with me. They do this by doing a bone marrow biopsy. I want to get it done. I want to know what's wrong with me, and I don't want to wait. Now, I'm going to blame the fact that I at the time was very sick, sick enough to have the first few weeks in the hospital be a blur, as to why I said "Yes, I will let you stick that thing that looks like a small apple corer into my hip without being knocked out, and only with a little pain medication here on my hospital bed". Something which, no person in their right mine should or would ever say.

They give you some Vicodin and an anti-nausea medication. Do you know what this does? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. To be fair it hurt but it wasn't excruciating, almost but not quite. Now, you would think this would be enough, oh no my friends. It seems that I have no Bone Marrow because of my leukemia. So, he hits me again with the, what I was then calling "That fucking thing". Not out loud, softly in my head. Yeah, still no bone. Do we stop? Nope.

They decide to go in a third time and at this point the nurses decide lets top her off with some morphine and something else. I didn't catch what that something else was because all I could hear were the bones cracking in my friends hand as I squeezed them. Number three happens and still no bone marrow but by divine intervention, the doctor decides to stop. As I open my eyes, I see blue flowers on my bed sheets.

This is what is known as hallucinating. They get me off of my stomach and make me lay down on my back. At which point, a marshmallow, with a face and stick arms and legs, sits on my face.

At any other time, this may have caused me distress. Luckily I realized I was hallucinating and started to laugh. Which caused some concerned faces in the room.

The bedside procedure is an utter failure and I'm told I'll have to go to radiology on another day. Five minutes after the doctor tells me this (and after I hallucinate a kid in my bathroom) my doctor tells me no, I'm actually going to radiology that same day. YAY.

(Radiology knocks you out so in all honesty if you ever have to have it done do it that way. It's really a piece of cake it's no worse then having a cavity filled.)

So they roll my happy butt down to Radiology where the nice nurse gives me Versed (wide eyes). Versed is what puts you in a twilight state when you go for things like endoscopy, and it's usually pretty straight forward. However, I had two other narcotics already in me. So, what the versed did was just make me a pervert. This means that each time I woke up after the procedure (I was being monitored in the CT machine), I groggily realize that I was fondling the CT machine.

Literally fondling the CT machine like it was my long lost lover who I thought was killed in the war. Which means I was molesting a very expensive piece of medical equipment.

Things after that are a little blurry. I also made a call to a friend and I don't remember that at all. She assured me that I did so If you received a weird call from me last June you know why. Honestly, I've had two more biopsies since then and they've both went well.

What I will do now, is show you what your lower back and butt will look like if you have low platelets and multiple bone marrow biopsies at once. My mother took this picture while I was high.

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