Yesterday, as I’m cooking I smell this overwhelming rotten flower smell. I’m like what IS that? I realize that it’s my clothes. Do people like to smell like rotten flowers?
Why do we feel like everything has to smell like flowers and fairy farts for it to qualify as clean? Can’t it just smell ‘clean’? “Clothes Line Fresh” why don’t you just hang your clothes on a clothes line if you want that? I don’t like having to scour the isles for lotions that don’t make me want to puke in order to find some moisturizer for my hands.
Then I go to the store today and I am almost blown back in the grocery isle picking out peppers because the woman next to me has dumped a whole bottle of perfume on her head. This made me ponder other annoying things that people do while I was searching for peppers that weren’t smashed.
So, here’s another list.
- I don’t want to be able to smell you from across the parking lot. Stop bathing in your perfume/cologne/body spray or whatever it is you’re soaking in.
- If you walk past an area in the store and I can still smell you five minutes after - see the second part of #1.
- DON’T let your little juvenile delinquents smash the produce in the grocery store. SOME of us want to buy green peppers that haven’t been massacred. It also does things like make the poor produce man apologize and go in the back and pull out a box of new peppers for me.
- Control your little felons in the making. I also wanted to buy tomato sauce without having to watch a cart with kids vs. tomato sauce accident. It also makes me feel like I have to do something to help the injured children.
- Don’t sneak up behind me while I’m backing out of a parking space and put your cart there little grocery store cart man. I have a SUV and I can’t see the little carts that you’ve put on my bumper. As well, apologizing by saying “Don’t worry there is no damage” is not an appropriate answer.
- Don’t walk out in front of me then stop and stare at me. I am not going to run you over. If you were worried about me running you over, why did you walk out in front of me in the first place?
- If you are a cop and you are participating in a speed trap. Walking out in front of someone who is speeding with your hand out is probably a bad idea. Also, don’t look shocked when that person has to slam on their breaks. You’re a cop but you’re not superman. If the car is speeding already why do you think he/she will see you in time to stop?
- Yes, girls play computer games. Yes, girls who don’t look like dorks play computer games. No, I don’t want to discuss computer games with you for 20 minutes. This is why I say I’m buying the games for my boyfriend. You weird guys make me lie…
- I haven’t talked to you in a year. Please stop texting me.
- Don’t randomly show up at my house at 11pm and bang on my door like the cops unless you think I’m dead. Saying I didn’t answer my phone at 10:30 isn’t a reason to think I’m dead. Especially if I spoke to you that morning.