Rip Van Winkette (thats me)

Once in a great while my MS likes to pop out of nowhere and slap the shit out of me. It does this to remind me that it’s there. Not that I don’t think about it every day as I’m jabbing a needle into my tummy but sometimes like a jealous dog, it wants to make sure I really know it's still there. 

Last weekend a group of friends and I threw a baby shower for our awesome friend Squishy! Unfortunately, it was 100 degrees where we were and I spent eight hours there so I got overheated. I run and get very hot but I’m able to cool down pretty quickly. I guess the extended overheating really got to me because I think I slept three days straight. 

I went to work for the first part of the week but spent most of Thursday Friday and Saturday asleep. I got up to eat and use the facilities before going right back to sleep. Today is the first day I’ve woken up and been able to function normally. I also promptly went for a jog and went shopping (smile). I feel good though still and cold showers do wonders for cooling down and the skin. Hehe

This brings me to a new theory about Rip Van Winkle. He wasn’t bewitched - he had MS! 

Feeling Very Asian

I'm feeling very "Asian" today. I bet you're thinking "Since you are Asian... don't you feel Asian every day?" or maybe something like "What does an Asian feel like?". Well my friends I will tell you. ..

While it's true I am Asian, I don't think about it every day. I'm not constantly thinking of Korean ways to do things, how Korean I am, or how Korean people are the best people in the world. Well... maybe that last one, but I digress.

I bought a pair of prescription sunglasses last week. They arrived yesterday. Love them woo hoo! I drive to work with them and realize they might not be polarized like I asked (It's ok it was taken care of).

Well, because of this I go on to the Oakley website just to look around. (HOLDING UP HAND) Yes I know expensive, but I work hard and have few things I buy for myself. If I want to spend the money on prescription sunglasses I will.. SHHHH Don't judge!

I'm looking around and I see this little link that says "Also available in Asian Fit"...... Hm.... WTF Is Asian fit?

So, since I 'am' Asian and it says "Asian" I click on it....

Huh... well look at that. Did you know that Asians have flatter noses thus making the fit of some glasses hard? Their heads are also shaped differently etc etc. (I won't go into Asian head anatomy) I did not realize this. Oakley, being the cool company they are, recognizes that Asians have different sun glass needs and modifies their sunglasses to accommodate for that.....

Now, let me share a little personal stuff here. I have always attributed the fact that my cheeks touch my glasses and that it's a little snug on the sides, to the fact that I have a fat head. Yes yes I was resigned to the fact that my fat head made it hard to get sunglasses BUT I DON'T HAVE A FAT HEAD! I have an ASIAN head!!

To make a longer story a little longer... The nice people at my eyeglass place took them back and are ordering me polarized Asian fit Oakleys WOOO HOO! Oakley will have my Business FOREVER.

This quote from Margaret Cho is all that much funnier now...

"But he was telling me that I really don't have a fat body and I know I don't have a fat body, I just have a really big head. And I don't know how I'm gonna lose weight in my head. What kind of crunches do I have to do?! "

...... and that is why I'm feeling very Asian today.

Jesse James leaves… I DON’T GIVE A SHIT!!

Listen… I put up with most of the garbage that passes for news. I usually do not even listen to the local news. I avoid it in order to limit my exposure to dumb people doing dumb things. I DO NOT want to hear about or read about how a made up important person is not marrying another made up important person. I do not give a shit. I am sure something more important is happening in OUR WORLD that trumps these two idiots.

No one should care about my little personal life and I sure as hell don’t want to hear about some idiots not getting married. ALL. DAY. LONG.

Would people please get a grip and focus on what is important?! I know that’s not happening and I know that pseudo important people will always be around but if people would stop focusing on stuff that means absolutely nothing, and focus on the important parts of life, maybe we would not be in the state we are in now.

Just saying…

/rantoff

Fear and Loathing in Orlando

Today I am in pain and I want to vent. I was wondering why I was so tired yesterday. My body was telling me I had done too much, and now I am paying for it (laugh).

Let us discuss pain for a moment. As I have discussed here before, I have Multiple Sclerosis. Instead of giving you a big huge definition - it is where you body eats away your nervous system. I think that is succinct. Funny enough you need your nervous system. Crazy huh?

When the body attacks itself, it leaves lesions (scars). Lesions can go away after time, can stay, can form black holes (just dead tissue), and new ones can appear when you are having an active flare. You can also have pseudo-flares (which I have discussed before) which is really just your symptoms coming out to say hi. I have many pseudo-flares because of the heat in Florida.

I have always had neck, shoulder, and arm pain. I have spent a small fortune trying to find a good pillow and replacing mattresses. Now I realize that it is not how or where I am sleeping, it is actually the MS. I have noticed that I get very bad muscle spasms, and now I am noticing that I get very bad shoulder/neck pains when I have other issues going on with my right hand/wrist. What I think is happening is that I am having spasms while I sleep.

I wake up this morning in pain. YAY for me! I try for over an hour to relieve some of it but nothing. Now, I am not a wimp when it comes to pain. I have had doctors ask me how it was I was still walking around previously. Therefore, this hurts. HURTS I say. It feels like someone has inserted a burning orange sized metal ball bearing between my spine shoulder and neck, right there where the three connect. I’m guessing it’s sort of like a charley horse that needs someone to pound on it.

I have taken some medicine, which has kept me from getting a migraine, and the burning is gone from the area but not the throbbing pain.

So here I sit with nothing to do about my pain.

In general, MS does not get me down. I think it would be different if I had something to do but I am rather bored and all I can do is focus on this pain.

However, I am still going to exercise and have fun (smile). Pain can’t stop me!!!

Yeah...

Did I mention I hate Florida? I walk out to my car all happy and sweet like I am after work and this is what I see. THIS IS HOT. This is after 5pm. This is not even during the hottest part of the day. WHERE DO I LIVE?! This is why I feel like I want to pass out EVERY...SINGLE...DAY...

(grumbling) I should go salsa dancing.

That is all (smile).

The Internet and You

The internet is a wonderful invention, thank you former Vice President Al Gore (said tongue in cheek)! I remember when the internet was just gaining speed. AOL was bringing internet to almost every household at an affordable rate and there was a frenzy of online activity from that point on.

The internet has become a wonderful avenue for information sharing. Being able to find anything from honey badgers to xenophobia online has been a blessing and a curse. You do have to be selective about what you take as fact (smile).

Something that has also started to occur with the advent of the internet is online relationships (scary music playing). Now instead of just talking to the people who live in your town or city you can talk to people three thousand miles away! The internet has been responsible for many friendships beginning (and ending) and as we have all heard on TV “1 in 5 relationships now begin on the internet”. What they do not say is 1 in 5 divorces now involve the internet – but why focus on the negative?

What is it about online relationships that people find appealing? In general, as humans, we have a need to connect with others and the online community does provide an avenue to accomplish that. Many good friendships have been born from online interactions. I know I have friends who I have met in the virtual world who are now very near and dear to me.

I truly believe that you can generate lasting friendships and even relationships from meeting online. The problem with this is that some people use the computer as a barrier.

For someone who cannot connect with people or who wants to keep themselves distant, the internet is the best place to talk to someone. You don’t actually have to be there for that person, support them, touch them, for all intents and purposes you don’t have to have a real relationship with them.

I feel the same way about long distance relationships. Phone calls can only go so far and the same applies to the internet. Even if you do know that person if you see each other every 3 months or so, how can you call that a real relationship? This comes from someone who does not understand how people can be in a relationship where one person is away or on the road most of the time. You don’t really know that person. All relationships that I have seen where one of the partners travels for the majority of the relationship have had problems adjusting if that person stops traveling. Most have lead to divorce because at the end of the day, they don’t really know each other.

It’s a wonderful way to just see the best in someone. If you only have to interact with them on the weekend or every three months, you will have the perfect relationship. This is the same principle that happens when you go on vacation. I live in Florida and people think this is some kind of paradise and they love coming here to visit Disney and romp in the sun. I live here every day and you know what? It sucks (shocked mummer rumbles through the crowd). YEAH I SAID IT!

I don’t care about the parks, it’s hotter then hell here in the summer, and I think maybe we’re trying to incubate our own viruses. However, if I visited here in the dead of winter from Maine THIS WOULD BE AMAZING! I would romp through the fields with Mickey singing love songs, and bake my butt in the sun!

This is the same concept for online relationships with people who have problems committing or loving someone else. That person gets the best of someone for the hour or two. You don’t have to deal with their problems, annoyances, and general life. You can turn off the computer and walk away. This does not apply if you actually have a relationship with someone face to face, where you have to wake up next to them every day, pick up their dirty socks, and watch them walk around in their underwear all weekend.

It’s a crutch for some and a way for people to take advantage of others who really believe that the person on the other end loves them.

This has never happened to me but I know of others that it has. The same rules apply though with online dating/relationships. You have to be safe and you have to take care of yourself. The biggest difference with online relationships friend or otherwise is that it is much easier for them to lie to you. Protect yourself and take a step back to look at the reality of what is in front of you.

Love Redux

I did not feel well this weekend and wanted to write about something. Not about not feeling well, that is common in the summer for me. Heat and I do not get along very well (smile). However, that is a blog for another time and when I feel like talking about it. Right now, I am in a great mood and wanted to talk about something else. What is that? Love of course!
(Gasps from the crowd)

What do I know about love? Probably nothing but I am going to blog about it (smile)!

I asked a few friends what they believed love to be. These are some of the responses.

“About six months of complete absorption in someone, because they see you in an intoxicating way for about six months, you see yourself reflected in their eyes in this wash of total love adoration, perfection after six months; it becomes this very human thing”

“Some people attribute it to chemicals in your brain. Some don't. When you think positively about someone, you reinforce those feelings by creating those chemicals in yourself. When he does something to make you feel good, again, reinforces those chemicals. Soon, you are addicted. Addicted=love”

“I don't believe in it. Sorry.”

“…there’s this incredibly rare CLICK when you connect with someone on a lot of levels at once, not just physically so love = CLICK.”

“No idea.”

“Love…I think Paul writes it best in 1st Corinthians 13, but when you care more about someone else then yourself.”

Do I agree with any of them? Maybe I agree a little with each.

When I was younger, I use to think of the fairy princess version. Some man would come, sweep you off your feet, and your life would be perfect. I lost that illusion when I was 9.

Can you convince yourself that you are in love or does the act of caring about someone imply love? Is there such a thing as the romantic love that we all hear stories about?

First, I do not believe in the romantic love we see in movies and hear stories about. I think it is some kind of idealistic pipe dream. “You had me at hello” is not something that happens in real life. Call me a cynic.

Love is a combination of many things and I feel that one of the most important things about a relationship and love is the ability to just “be” with that person.

I grew up with parents who fought every day, not an exaggeration. I do not remember a time when they were not fighting or bickering. If you cannot stand to be with someone how can you say you love him or her?

I have never raised my voice to someone in a relationship. Huh, I never thought about that before (contemplating). I feel that you can discuss the problem and if the discussion yields no change or no compromise then you should either accept the relationship for what it is, or move on.

A second important thing for me personally is respect. I have to feel respected. If we have an agreement, we have an agreement. Now this is not something like “Opps, I forgot to get water at the store”. These are larger things that speak to the fact that the other person is thinking only about themselves. You should put yourself first sometimes, I do, but there are times when boundaries are crossed that should not be.

I find myself wondering if my view of love is skewed. What I want is comfort, familiarity, respect, and laughter. Is that settling? Could I be selling myself short, my cynicism affecting the experiences I could be having? Should I be looking for that “Running through a field of poppies” moment?

What is love? I do not know. Have I ever been in love? Yes, I think I have.

Broken

Nope my phone is not broken and I’m not talking about the CV joints on my car needing to be fixed (although that might be a future blog). I’m talking about a specific thing – Broken People. I have run across two types of broken people lately and I will discuss that at length, but first I want to discuss what a Broken Person is. 

There is a difference between a Broken Person and someone who has problems. Now I have a degree in psychology so the generalization I just made is bothering me and I will try to explain it as best as I can without going into too much detail. 

First something has happened to them. Not something small but very big that has altered how they view life and the people who they interact with. Let me be explicit here this IS NOT AN EXCUSE. Bad things happen to everyone and as I’ve stated before, your experiences in life make you who you are. It is how you deal with experiences that show who you are. 

Let’s look at me for example (ta da) and I’m not trying to pin a rose on my ass here. I have a lot of faults and I do stupid and crazy things but I man up to them, and I will apologize when I need too. That being said, I have had bad shit happen to me. I’ve been raped (yep I have), abused (little kids with rubber hoses are bad news), I have a chronic disease (it’s so much fun), have had tumors removed from my body (yep that’s plural), and that is not even really all the bad stuff. However, I think it gives you a good idea about how I’ve had interesting things happen to me (smile). 

I like to think I am a nice person. I don’t treat people badly on purpose, I help people when I can, I keep myself grounded in reality, and I try to do what I can to be a better person, always. 

Broken People live in their own form of reality. If they realize that or not is nothing I can speak too but I do know that what makes them broken is that they hurt people. 

Now let me state here again that we all hurt people. I do, you do, and your mom does, everyone. Maybe Mother Theresa didn’t and Jesus surely didn’t, but since I am not Jesus I admit that I have hurt people. I also apologize to those people. Am I perfect? No and I never will be perfect. 

The difference here is that the people who are broken hurt people and then convince themselves that their actions are justified. It is not them it is you. Always someone else’s fault/problem/issue and to be fair sometimes it is the other persons fault. I am here to say with 100% certainty that it is never ALWAYS someone else’s fault.  Ever. 

Let me give you two examples. 

Example 1 – I know a man who thinks it’s ok to cheat. Not just cheat but cheat a lot and keep his wife, a girlfriend, and maybe someone else on the side. This person has somehow convinced himself and the girlfriend that they are star crossed lovers. “If only the world was different and fate had intervened!” (holding up hand) My name isn’t fate but I can intervene for you. If you want to be with the girlfriend get a divorce. TA DA (standing like a tap dancer that just finished a performance)! 

”It’s not that easy!” Well actually it is. You may not have as much money as you did and your ex will probably hate you but…yeah it is that easy. 

Hurting the girlfriend is fine because…well he has a wife! She knows that! He has also convinced himself that the girlfriend does not think he’ll leave his wife for her (blink blink). (holding up hand again) Trust me she does. 

Above is what I call “fantasy land”. That person has convinced himself that what he’s doing is fine if someone else gets hurt it is not his fault or problem, he’s been honest with the girlfriend. Not so much the wife but that’s something I’m sure he’s justified to himself. Remember the whole star crossed lover’s emo story (smile). 

The thing about this guy is that he’s broken. Now I’m sure you all are thinking he’s an asshole and that I’ve painted him as huge asshole. Well you know what? He is an asshole because of what he does to women but he’s not an asshole at other times. 

He can be a nice guy, he can give great advice to people, and he really loves his children. He could be an amazing person and a great husband but he’s broken. If he wanted to fix himself he could still be that person. He doesn’t though. 

Yes I know why he is broken but that’s not for public consumption. 

Example #2 – I’m not so sure why this one is broken, although I do have my ideas on the topic. Those are also not for public consumption. 

This one has a pattern of behavior. Every one of his close friends, at every point in his life, has done something to him that justifies ending the friendship. No, that is not an exaggeration. Every single close friend/roommate/best friend of his has done something to him. They have either abandoned him, come on to him, or something else (mired of stories can go here).  

This person has never had a serious romantic relationship and can only keep a “best friend” for about 3-5 years before something happens. This is also everyone else’s fault. Remember what I said above? It’s never, with 100% certainty, the other persons fault all of the time. 

Once that “something” happens this person then badmouths their ‘friend’ to everyone they can. They make the stories worse than they are to try to justify the actions. “Oh she was a psycho stalker.” “He was a non-Christian horny man just whoring around.” “She wants a relationship and everything has changed.” “He changed and wasn’t there for me.” another example of fantasy land.

And as above this person is broken but does not want to fix themselves. So they will stay broken which is a shame. They could also be an amazing person. 

Now I can see your argument that things like this happen all the time. Just because it happens once doesn’t mean that that person is ‘broken’. I agree with you but I counter with that the examples I have given you are not examples of a onetime incident. Example 1 has cheated over 20 times and Example 2 has gotten rid of 3 friends in the last 3 years. These are patterns of behavior. 

I know them both personally and I care about them both. I’m the only one who sees the first one for his good and his bad and I see a lot myself and what I could have been if I were broken, in the second one. The simple fact is I accept them both for who they are with no judgment. I call them on their BS and won’t put up with their fantasy worlds. 

And how do I know I’m not broken? It’s a good question and one I discussed with a good friend of mine yesterday. I think what I got out of that conversation is this. If I were broken I wouldn’t be able to recognize my own flaws and contributions to problems. I wouldn’t be able to apologize to people for things *I* have done wrong. I don’t blame my problems or actions on anyone else and I take personal responsibility for things in my life. Half-Korean Girl fantasy land does not exist (smile).

Broken people can be exhausting. Don’t take their BS it’s not worth it. You don’t have to cut them out of your life but you do need to know who and what they are and move forward. If they’re in your life don’t let them drag you down and understand that if they do drag you down it’s time to cut your losses.

Dresses are your friend!

I haven’t blogged in awhile! Almost a month! I’ve meant to but I must say that I’ve had an interesting month to say the least. 

First and foremost the dress thing is working amazingly! A few posts back (pointing down) I shared that I was going to start to wear dresses to beat the heat at work. My current company has been growing and we needed a new building. I was on one of the teams that were moved to the new building and unfortunately that building is humid. 

Something I’ve realized is that the humidity seems to affect MS worse than heat alone. The simple explanation for this is that your body cannot cool itself down. The moisture on your body will usually evaporate thus cooling you off. With the humidity this does not happen. This is a small thing for most people but for those of us with MS it becomes a big thing. 

So to try to keep myself cooler the dress idea was born. It took a few weeks but it seems to have worked! I feel better now than I have in months! I haven’t even been using my wake up medication the past couple of weeks! 

I’ve also started running again. Not my 20 miles but I’m up to 8 right now. This is probably helping my energy out a lot and that is fine with me! I plan to at least do a half marathon this year if I can get up to speed I will do a Marathon! 

Yes this means I will be rambling about my training on my blog again (smile). 

I love running and it’s great to get back into it! I’ve had all kinds of doctors’ appointments this week and I am going to celebrate my birthday (last week) with some great friends of mine tonight. Have a great time everyone out in the blogosphere!