Five tips for better living

I was flipping through TV stations and came across a show called “I didn’t know I was pregnant.” Now…I know I can be a bit slow on the uptake but last I checked growing a baby isn’t a subtle thing. So, in order to help others, I’ve decided to make of list of things you should do if certain OTHER things happen.

First - Your stomach grows to 3 times its normal size and you vomit every morning. You should go to the doctor. Either you’re pregnant or something else is going horribly wrong.

Second - A person with a gun walks out in front of your car - Duck down, gun the gas, and hit the person with your 3000 lb car. Then drive to a police station to tell them about the car-jacker/rapist/serial killer/insert whatever other horrible title you can think of, you just killed with your car. The little weirdo probably can’t shoot through an engine block. He also probably isn’t a marksman and couldn’t hit a moving target to save his life. Now if he has a scoped M15 eeeh maybe your time is up. Other than that scenario, just run that person over.

Third - If someone grabs you and tries to force you into a car or take you away from where you are, fight. Fight scream kick scratch bite rip claw. I would rather die right then and there then die three days later after the serial killer had me in his white serial killer van for three days.

Fourth - If a friend ever tells you “If I die, my husband did it.” or “I think my husband is going to kill me.” you should call the police. Have you watched TV? Do you know this is how all the shows start? “There were no signs. Oh, except for the past three years she was telling her sister that she though Bob might kill her.”

Fifth - Don’t pick up hitchhikers

Those are my five tips for better living. Please use them wisely.